Panic Attacks

Something very strange and unlike me is happening.

I'm beginning to fully concentrate in school...i'm still not completely over Kaz and I hate that, so I guess I'm just putting all my anger, depression and....depression into thought (about work) or exercise (either performance or something ridiculous like P.E or swimming). And it's paining me, it's good at the time, especially right afterwards when I realise i've spent a whole lesson not thinking bout Kaz...then of course, I realise that everything I had just achieved in the past hour has just been wasted in those few seconds where my mind switches back to Kaz.

But anyway, I went way off topic, what I was attempting to write, was that when I get home after my drama rehearsals which occur every day religiously, after school, I'm always in chronic amounts of both physical AND mental pain from working harder than any human teenager who hasn't been to a private school should.
For example, yesterday I was so caught up in forcing myself to stop thinking about Kaz, so I actually decided to do loads of homework, then go swimming. Either I'm maturing more than I would like to, I'm becoming clinically depressed/dying, or the rift between time and space has been opened, and the top left hand corner of my brain has been taken over by a small, alien wasp type creature who is controlling my every move.
I, personally, think the last explanation is the most likely by far. Don't you?

Anyway, I've got to go now, I need to go to sleep. Uhuh, at 8pm. This is what Kaz has done to me.
ACTUALLY, I've just remembered something which you readers might actually find either interesting, or disturbing.

I've been having these panic/anxiety attacks lately...not too sure whats causing them, but the first one started in maths, I'd almost completely finished the work...before anyone else...(just another example of my new wasp-operated brain's hardworkingness) and suddenly a HUGE shot of adrenaline went up me, and i got a really bad headache, honestly, it felt as if I was being used as a bulldozer (my head that is...) my lips and hands went numb, I got butterflies in my stomach (and can I just say, it was very rude of them to enter without being invited before hand) and I couldn't breath properly. So the teacher asked me if I was okay and I said can I go and get a drink of water...so he said 'no, you can go to the medical room', so I went downstairs and outside to get some fresh air, and called my mother to ask her if she could help me calm down. She could, of course, she's very good at that sort of thing. So I described my symptoms(although I'm not sure she actually heard ANYTHING I said, cause I was in such a panic), and she told me to breath slowly and blah blah I can feel this getting boring.

Basically, I went to my next lesson, almost died again, then went to the medical room, sat in there for a bit with my face in a pillow...I was in tears...but I didn't want anyone to see so I practically forced myself upon a pillow, which seemed very happy to ingest me at the time, but found it rather difficult to let go when I realised I was being suffocated and had to get out.
I was really shaky for the rest of the day, and for hours afterwards I had a really strange ringing sensation in my ears...spooky stuff.

So yeah, I've had a couple of these over that last few days, not nice at all, I need to train my antibodies to fight these horrible attacks off....but is that even possible?

Thankyou for wasting my time!!! I'm going to sleep now, BYE!!

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UGH.

Me+Kaz= Over

Me-Kaz= Tears

Kaz-Me= Happy, apparently...not exactly in those words, he said he still liked my but thought it would be better if we finished it before things got worse. For example, he stood me up on valentines day :) Yes, he fell asleep.

In my opinion Kaz-Me= no life
But I would prefer him to be happy, and I agree, that is SO not me. Whats also not me is the fact that im crying about breaking up with a boy, usually it's ME doing the breakup and I dont cry afterwards....I usually cry at the time...but I've been crying on and off since we split up. Everything reminds me of him....even THIS reminds me of him, WHY?! I was listening to a song called 'Now You're Gone' which reminded me of him and i broke into tears. Oh well, I know I'll get over it in a matter of days...im not sure if i actually miss HIM...i think i just miss having a boyfriend and affection on tap. My mother suggests not getting a boyfriend until summer so I can concenterate on my work, but I'm gonna start having flings....and I don't want to....wait...If i dont want to....why dont I just NOT?

Shut up now.

Bye

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Life. (Nothingness)

HELLO!!!

God it feels good to write this thing...its been about 3 weeks....maybe 4..whatever its just been a very long time for me, stop accusing me of lies.

Anyway....not much has really happened....in fact...actually nothing has happened.

Things I can remember:
1. Z and Dino are now going out....I have to say I think I might actually be happy for them..in which case I may have to punish myself severaly...no chocolate for 5 minutes.
2. It's valentine's day on thursday, and I have a boyfriend for it =]
3. I'm very sorry to say, but there really isn't anything new and significant in my life.

I need inspiration. Would anyone like to do the honers? (of giving me inspiration)

Hmm having a boyfriend makes my life boring. WHat will I do when I'm married?

Oh well

Bye
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IT lessons

Are crap. And boring.

It's not that we have a bad teacher, we have a good, nice teacher...but I am just not remotely interested in computers. At all!

If we wanted a future working with computers we would have taken Digital applications for GCSE, and some people did. But most people didn't, and we should be allowed to have a maths or English lesson or something actually important!

All you need to know about computers, is how to send an email, and access the Internet.

And apparently create animations...

We don't need 6 years of IT lessons to learn THAT!

oops...the teacher just looked over my shoulder and is now addressing me as 'Moanie Miss Groanie'. Quite right too.

Kaz and I are getting on really well...i mean it probably wont be long until we have intense arguments...but isn't that what teenage lives are all about? No?

I beg to differ.

*Saves as Draft*


It is now 15:49

I am at Kaz's house now, I didn't have enough time to finish writing, so I decided to save, rather than just close the window.

Clever, aren't I?

UGH, can't think of anything to write about! I hate it when that happens. Does it ever happen to you?

Hmm, why would I even bother asking, you're not going to reply to the question (unless you happen to be Oscar) you're all stupid adults or intelectual people who are either aren't reading my blog, reading my blog because you want to laugh at me, or because you feel sorry for me (no offence if you're actually ENJOYING reading this).

Anyway, nothing new = nothing to write about, I was just bored in IT...OKAY!


Gawd...

Bye!

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I washed my hair BEFORE school today...it was horrible. My head froze over. I usually just have one before bed, but Kaz was over til like 9:30 and I wanted sleep before the exam today so I couldn't be arsed.

Uhuh...exam. We've got a biology exam at 1:15 today, it's so depressing. If I get lower than a C i'll retake though. And what kills it is that on top of all this revision i've got to do, our teachers, who each assume THEIR subject is the most important, even if it IS citizenship (which has no importance to me whatsoever) , all are giving us homework. So I have no time for ACTUAL important things like seeing Kaz and watching TV. I also need to cook my final cook...for food tech which I really cannot be bothered to do, AND I need to do all the coursework....which is even more boring. Why did I take food tech? My teacher said:
"Josie I'm really quite concerned. If you don't cook every single lesson and assume that cooking is the only thing you're good at and what you enjoy doing most, then you might not get an A*!!!"
(Please note that the text in red, she didn't actually say, but she was thinking it, I could see it in her eyes.)

And finally, I have to kill my P.E teacher, because she said that every lesson I don't bring my football boots I'll have a lunchtime detention. Even though I don't have, and will never have a pair of football boots. It's not fair..I'm not paying like 30 quid for football boots just so I can please and happyfy my lesbian PE teacher. She can pay for it herself. Also, If I did buy them, I would only be using them for the next 2 weeks (that's 3 lessons), until we move onto gymnastics or fitness or something. There really is no point. Maybe I'll just have to endure the pain of not being able to go to G-Town for a few lunchtimes. Nope, I'll just kill her.

Me and Kaz had a little spat yesterday morning, it wasn't really a big deal, we were both just in bad moods...and he was a bastard to me.

We were walking with our usual crowd of people (ie. Naz, Z and Max, who isn't significant enough in my life for me to give him another name) And we were walking slightly ahead...and he wasn't talking, like, at all. So I asked him if he was alright...and this is how it went...

Me: Are you alright..?
Kaz: No.
Me: really?
Kaz: No.
Me: So which is it...are you okay or not?
Kaz: I'm fine, stop asking me.
Me: Oh...do you not like it when I take an interest in your feelings? (my mother pointed out that all boys despise that kind of question...oops)
Kaz: I answered you didn't I? (in a chav accent, because, sadly...he is a bit of a chav...but in a good way)
Me: ....yeah, but-
Kaz: *walks off*

This is how it was from my eyes...it might not have seemed like he was doing anything wrong to him...but I'm a girl, a fragile, soft creature...my skeleton is on my inside...maybe boys aren't like that. Maybe boys are secretly ants. If you are a boy and are reading this blog, feel free to answer anonymously telling me if you are an Ant. If you fail to do this, my curiosity might get carried away and I will be forced to experiment on you. (Boys in general).

So....after school at like 5, after I had done some revision =D , I went over to his house to explain why I had completely blanked him all day...he was on the way out of his house when I got there, and it was raining...(what a pathetic fallacy that was...) and he looked at me and came up to me and gave me a hug and said sorry...and we sorried at each other. Then we went inside his house and spoke about things.

Turned out it had just been a bit of a misunderstanding...he thought that I walked away from him..as in fell back to walk with Naz and Z...but I saw it in a different way. After all, I AM a bit of a hypochondriac. Have you noticed my spelling has gotten better lately? Is has hasn't it.

That's because I'm cheating by using the spell checker. HAHA! I'm maturing.

ANNYWAY

Going

Me and Kaz are very happy again...good. Yep, I know.

What?

Bye!"

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Cosmic horn has disintegrated!!!!

For the first time in 76854 BILLION years, I am Specifically Horned!!!

YUP! Attracted to only one person, and not every living thing. Although, I can't type on this keyboard...

I have a new bf now =) But he wont be called BF, he'll still be called Kaz. Even though its not his name.

Can't really write today, so don't flood me with insulting comments.

I get on with him well. But he can be a bit of a bastard sometimes. =) <--- I need to stop using that face.




He's standing right behind me so I will therefore not be writing about anything he might hit me with. (verbally)

Crap, I'm making him sound like a complete...horrible person. He's really not. He's ACTUALLY nice. I used to hate him though, which is cool. Also, I'm moanie miss groanie, so he MUST be nice if he's willing to put up with me.

Also, he actually ASKED me what I wanted to do on valentine's day...boys I usually go for (ie. old BF) are either too stuck up themselves to ask what someone ELSE wants to do, or they just don't make any effort of that kind until the day before valentine's day...(old BF, I've forgotten what I called him...).

Anyway, I'll stop boring you, although the subject I'm about to scratch down into the keyboard (what!?) is probably 10000 times more boring.

School.

I'm back at school now. I've only been back for 2 days and I already want to blow it up.
Hmm...nah, I'll get found out. Everything I do I always end up getting caught as my mother so kindly pointed out to Kaz at the dinner table...so no heroin for me!!!

...that was a joke...I'd never do heroin...people who take it DESERVE to get addicted and die...in the nicest possible way. =) (again with the face)

I'm reading a book called CANDY. It's SO good. I read some of it the other night, and I'm actually traumatised because I couldn't sleep because I was so desperate to find out what happened...I had to make it up in my head when I became too tired to even hold my eyes open with match sticks. That is the definition of a good book. Speaking of books...my mother's book will be coming out in the next few weeks :D

But I'm not going to say anything about it because firstly it might reveal my identity, and secondly it has hardly anything to do with moi. And if you want to read about my mother, read her blog...NOT MINE!!! I'm more interesting than her anyway...she's not a teenager and is therefore the most boring being on this planet (apart from all the other non-teenagers).

I have ACTUAL science GCSEs next week...YAY!!! I'm SO excited. -.-

(just in case you suffer from lack of sense of humor, that was sarcasm).

But what I just said in brackets was not sarcasm, if you lack a sense of humor, I seriously suggest you have one inserted.

OH GOD!...specific horn (not cosmic...) ATTACKING!! must go...









*gone*






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Life. School. Boys. Teachers *throws up*

WOAH! Im WELL enjoying mocks!!!

(I'm not)

SO much work to do and i died in my english exam. Yeahp, I'm dead. I thought i was good at english, im obviously not.

did ridiculously well in my philosophy exam seeing as I only really revised for ethics. Although now I've said that im likely to get a Z. I'll be happy with a C though (for mocks) cause apparently last year everyone got an E for their mock and an A* for their real thing. Amazing what these pointless days at school can do for you in the real world.

I wonder if there really is a real world...maybe all adults are just robots and everyone dies at 18
but their body is then ran on robot oil. Yep, definitely.

Just incase your wondering, there is a new male robot (not a robot yet) in my life. His name is Kaz. Well, it's not, but lets just say it is. Just for the hell of it.

I've been spending quite a lot of time with him lately, im probaly going to end up having no friends but him because of it. but thats fine. "Who needs friends at such an important time of your life"- quote most teachers in the world (they don't have friends...actually, I saw my music teacher in G-town the other night. She was carrying a bottle of wine and she was with a few of the science teachers. I bet they have a popular and unpopular group of teechers. Hell they probably have the druggies, the skaters ect. Yep.)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is annoying!! What? you ask?

Just life.


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