Surely this blog has now been forgotten...just a distant memory falling away...like a wet cake.
But I'm afraid I've started up again...yep. I shall notify my mother...who with then notify oscar...and then I will have 2 main readers again...(perhaps more if my other regulars [two others...] hear...or check the blog out of bordem)!!
Why haven't I written for over a month? Because I've been revising, tricking myself into thinking I'm revising, socialising, sleeping, and sitting exams. Most of which I was revising. Sounds fun dont you think? (when I say most of the time I was revising, what I actually mean, is that because revising is so boring, 4 hours seemed like a whole day).
I'm not sure if theres anything actually interesting to tell... I guess I'll just take one of the biggest events and explain...hmm
OH! A's party...twas on the night of um.....the 4th of May?..(I think) All was silent...well...it wasn't...it wasn't at all. AHEM! Basically, it was a joint birthday party to celebrate the birthdays of both A and...F (two of my friends). They decided to have a pre-BBQ, which only about 8 people were invited to...and I happened to be one of them.
This was very good, because it meant we got food, not just any kind of food...meat!...the kind of food which is the flesh of animals? Some people don't eat meat, they prefer vegetable slop (MOTHER). We were also provided with drink (the mind altering kind), which got me quite tipsy for when the rest of the party guests began to arrive. This was good, because it meant that I didn't have to FORCE myself to be more social and greet people as nicely as I did completely naturally when my mind had been slightly altered by the alcoholic beverages which I mentioned before.
Anyway, the party had begun...and everyone was there...it was a mix of groups which made it a lot better too...and yeah...it all ended in tears...
Everyone was flirting with that guy I like, I might actually give him a name now...Sheep...theres a reason for that...a reason that I can, actually explain...for some strange reason...whenever he approaches all his friends say his name as if it were coming from the mouth of a sheep...like BBAAAAAAAAHHHHH except with him name...oh well...
So Sheep it is, so everyone was flirting with sheep...and because i was mind-altered, AND upset, I started crying...and that resulted in Shar crying too cause she knows he likes her and she doesnt like him and she's in love with someone who has a girl friend and the whole thing is just COMPLETELY MESSED UP!!! *sigh* some and Shar went to the end of the garden and were talking and crying on the bench...when STUPID Sheep comes up! Come up with that 'im-having-a-great-time-at-this-party-i-know-i-think-i'll-come-over-here-and-try-and-spread-my-joy-and-take-no-notice-at-the-fact-that-they-obviously-have-a-good-reason-to-be-alone-over-here-crying------oh-well!!' look on his face...ugh. He asked what was wrong, (still with a smile on his face...) and I said "WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK IS WRONG YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT? I REALLLLY like you for some stupidly pathetic reason, and you, instead choose to like someone who you find impossible to have a conversation with, someone who you've basically never spoken to, someone who DOESNT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN YOU!!!! rather than someone like me, someone who you can have fun with and TALK to!!" (I didn't actually say any of that....but I was thinking it...
Shar and I just gave him a "get-the-hell-away-from-us" glare.
Later, when I'd mostly finished crying, I walked past Sheep, and he asked if he could speak to me...he basically told me that he was concerned and really cared that I was upset...which was very convincing, but i know deep down he was chortling at the fact someone who cant have him likes him...then i told him that i liked him and told him why it upset me. He didn't look AT ALL suprised, and said that he was really sorry, he saw me as a really good friend and that he LOVED me as a friend...but that he still really liked Shar.
This upset me VERY A LOT.
That is all I have to say on the matter.
Nowadays (a few weeks later) I still find it difficult...It's weird its something I haven't really felt before...it's kind of like...whenever I start thinking about him, or get into a deep conversation with him...I force myself to get out of it. Even though it might mean that we are getting closer, and the conversation could lead to others which lead to him starting to like me...there is still always something stopping me.
It's like every time I cross the line of socialising with him..my mind says 'DANGER'..and I back away.
I don't know why this is suddenly starting to happen, i only noticed it in the last two days.
But I think it's because I'm scared of being hurt again.
Kaz hurt me...and I think that's because he wasn't nearly as into me as I was into him...
And Sheep isn't into me.
I want someone who after having only a few conversations with...I can click with.
Someone who shows an interest in me straight away.
Until them, I'm closing off to boys.
I wont go out of my way.
Afterall, I think I'll be happier that way...
ANYWAY! thats enough deepness from me!
I'm going to revise....BYE!