Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Helo again.

My my my...it has been a paaaiiiinful few months for me...but now it's over.

I've finished my AS exams (thank CHRIIIST) and now have time to focus on my self-improvement (ie. re-learn the violin, make myself appear to be interlectual to others to prepare myself for Uni the year after next...etc.)

I could never bring myself to write my blog, I always felt there was something more productive to do like watch trashy TV, complete long overdue homework and revise, and most importantly see and entertain Bape (who I am still happily in a relationship with).

It has been a grand total of 9 monthhs...almost 10...since we've been together =]
It's had its ups and downs...and major downs...but we've kept it up and we're still in love and its almost perfect. Apart from that inzy winzy detail that he's GOING TO UNIVERSITY IN OCTOBER!!!!! and leaving me with my friends...(most of which haven't matured since the end of GCSEs).

This has been the cause of all sorts of terrors for me...I went through a mild depression stage where I cried myself to sleep each night, thinking about the last time I kiss him before he goes...but now i've just got used to it, and there's no point having regrets. Even though it means a lot of pain which, potentially could have been avoided, but I'm glad to have had this experience.

I think I have, dare I say it...matured.

a bit...


Instead of letting us have a holiday after exams, we've gone straight into learning stuff for A2s for a month before summer holidays which SUCKS.

And Bape has finished school forever...which, for me, feels weird, and so so sad.
I don't know how it will be next year, I'm trying to think of all these ways of filling the gap he leaves, but I think it's going to be a lot harder than that.

At least I get to spend the summer with him, I mean, he's going to Cornwall next week to celebrate end of school with his friends, while I'm stuck in school...learning. In the rain.
But in the holidays, almost straight after we finish school, I'm going to Bahrain with him, and that will be the best week of my life so far...i hope...but it's just that summer holidays go so bloody fast...and when it's the end...it IS the end.

My life will be totally different,and I just don't know how i'm going to take it.

I thought it might be easy to write this seeing as I haven't cried about it for so long, but as I'm typing teardrops are hitting the keyboard...crap.

It's not even a bit deal, him going, at least it doesn't seem like it should be, just imagining meeting him in like 10 years time when we've both totally moved on makes me so...angryupsetconfusedirritatedandhelpless. (yes, that is one word)

Will we stay in contact all through out uni? Will he get a girlfriend his first year? Will I even want to look at another guy for...god knows how long...?

I can't be depressed, Bape finishes his exams tomorrow and I have to be there to cheer him on...because i love him and im amazing =]


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXMMG

2 comments:

Oscarinho said...

A couple days ago I though "hmmm it's been a while since I last checked MMG's blog" great timing, eh?

Enjoy every bit of the summer, and as hard as it might be, try to keep yourself from thinking too much about what comes next. Things flow and we usually end up begin alright.

xx

Spazology said...

MMG!!! It has been such a long time! I have decided you are my self declared pen pal, and decided I missed blogging much to much to let it fall between the cracks. So check out my new blog okay?

Religously yours,

Sami