Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Panic Attacks

Something very strange and unlike me is happening.

I'm beginning to fully concentrate in school...i'm still not completely over Kaz and I hate that, so I guess I'm just putting all my anger, depression and....depression into thought (about work) or exercise (either performance or something ridiculous like P.E or swimming). And it's paining me, it's good at the time, especially right afterwards when I realise i've spent a whole lesson not thinking bout Kaz...then of course, I realise that everything I had just achieved in the past hour has just been wasted in those few seconds where my mind switches back to Kaz.

But anyway, I went way off topic, what I was attempting to write, was that when I get home after my drama rehearsals which occur every day religiously, after school, I'm always in chronic amounts of both physical AND mental pain from working harder than any human teenager who hasn't been to a private school should.
For example, yesterday I was so caught up in forcing myself to stop thinking about Kaz, so I actually decided to do loads of homework, then go swimming. Either I'm maturing more than I would like to, I'm becoming clinically depressed/dying, or the rift between time and space has been opened, and the top left hand corner of my brain has been taken over by a small, alien wasp type creature who is controlling my every move.
I, personally, think the last explanation is the most likely by far. Don't you?

Anyway, I've got to go now, I need to go to sleep. Uhuh, at 8pm. This is what Kaz has done to me.
ACTUALLY, I've just remembered something which you readers might actually find either interesting, or disturbing.

I've been having these panic/anxiety attacks lately...not too sure whats causing them, but the first one started in maths, I'd almost completely finished the work...before anyone else...(just another example of my new wasp-operated brain's hardworkingness) and suddenly a HUGE shot of adrenaline went up me, and i got a really bad headache, honestly, it felt as if I was being used as a bulldozer (my head that is...) my lips and hands went numb, I got butterflies in my stomach (and can I just say, it was very rude of them to enter without being invited before hand) and I couldn't breath properly. So the teacher asked me if I was okay and I said can I go and get a drink of water...so he said 'no, you can go to the medical room', so I went downstairs and outside to get some fresh air, and called my mother to ask her if she could help me calm down. She could, of course, she's very good at that sort of thing. So I described my symptoms(although I'm not sure she actually heard ANYTHING I said, cause I was in such a panic), and she told me to breath slowly and blah blah I can feel this getting boring.

Basically, I went to my next lesson, almost died again, then went to the medical room, sat in there for a bit with my face in a pillow...I was in tears...but I didn't want anyone to see so I practically forced myself upon a pillow, which seemed very happy to ingest me at the time, but found it rather difficult to let go when I realised I was being suffocated and had to get out.
I was really shaky for the rest of the day, and for hours afterwards I had a really strange ringing sensation in my ears...spooky stuff.

So yeah, I've had a couple of these over that last few days, not nice at all, I need to train my antibodies to fight these horrible attacks off....but is that even possible?

Thankyou for wasting my time!!! I'm going to sleep now, BYE!!



Anonymous said...

That happened to my friend for awhile after she broke up with her girlfriend. God, she was train wreck... I think I may have a fear of commitment. Every time I get to close to someone I just freak out and break up with them. Perhaps I have some sort of disorder?

Anonymous said...

HER BOYFRIEND! HER BOYFRIEND! sorry for the typo she isn't a lezzie.

Oscarinho said...

Thank ME for wasting YOUR time! Dandy!
Yup, I find those attacks disturbing, and I don't buy the depression thing, it is much unlike you to dwell that much on something.
So the wasp has finally awaken and taken over, eh? We knew that was bound to happen, now you'll start turning into the nerd/intellectual/academic you're expected to be. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Moany Miss Groany said...

WOAH! Anonymous, I want your disorder! Want to swap hormones?

I believe you about your friend not being a 'lezzie' by the way.

And Oscar, IT'S VERY LIKE ME TO GET DEPRESSED OVER BOYS!!! It's like you don't know me at all...I have a heart, you do know that don't you?

Perhaps not, you are an intellectual Ant afterall.


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